Beaten down

It has been a really horrible 24 hours.  My heart hurts and aches.  I’m trying to stay strong but inside I’m broken.  Why did we have to hurt each other?

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I give up

I can’t take it anymore. I am tired of the eye rolling and the whatevers, the not being able to talk to him without him getting aggressive and mean.

When I forgave him I meant it. Yet when he is having an outburst and I tell him I don’t like the way he treats me he retorts with, “and how about the way you treated me all of those years or have you forgotten about that?”. No I haven’t forgotten. I was hurt. He stole to gamble and put us fifty thousand dollars in debt. He lost his job, got kicked out of the army, and was spared jail by the skin of his teeth. I did not handle any of that well but he makes me feel like I didn’t have a right to be upset and angry. No one who is upset and angry and feeling betrayed because of the lying knowing they weren’t worth the truth reacts in a good way. I died inside. I felt like vomiting when ever I thought about it. I wanted to leave but I still loved him. Right now it feels like he hasn’t finished hurting me and it makes me die even more on the inside. I am currently sitting in the powder room toilet typing this because I’m crying. It’s mothers day and I don’t want to upset my little boy. I can’t go to Tim for comfort because he won’t give it to me. He will make me feel like I deserve it for being hurt over his actions, but he won’t word it that way.

God is this marriage really over? I don’t know what to do anymore and its killing me. I think last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I’m not sure what to do. To survive I have to leave uni. I will have to give up the one thing I have wanted so much for so long. But now that my car is dead how will I get to a job?

I hate the anxiety and I hate not knowing what to do. Most of all I hate how he makes me feel.

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I don’t like calling it “my anxiety” because to me that implies that it’s something that I own and want, but I don’t know how to word it any other way.  So, my anxiety has been horrible this week.  My gut has felt like I’ve hulk stepped a stair that wasn’t there and left me with that lurching-forward feeling that you get when you try to counter balance yourself.  It’s made me weepy, insecure and pathetic.  I have been questioning everything in my mind over and over and over again, second guessing myself, second guessing other people, and convincing myself of scenarios that aren’t even real.  It’s a horrible fucking feeling and I hate it.  On the upside, it gets rid of my appetite.

I say that’s an upside because I was doing so well by the end of 2016.  I had dropped 25kg and then spiraled back out of control again.  I see Tim going to the gym religiously 5-6 days a week and I struggle to go once a month.  Yesterday I wasn’t having a great mental day so it was easy for me to stick within calorie limits and I still had 300 left over.  Probably not ideal, but it’s not like I’m wasting away.  Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

I am having car troubles and hate driving the stupid thing.  It’s an auto, and it keeps stalling on me while I’m driving.  On Wednesday morning it died on me while I was trying to get into the uni car park and some fuckwit was tooting their car horn at me despite seeing that I had no control over anything.  I felt so humiliated.  I managed to start my car again after a minute or so and had to compose myself in the parking space for a minute before I could go into my lecture.  After that my mind was all over the place, and I was relieved when Mum wanted me to go home to check on her dog.  I didn’t go back to uni for the last part of the lecture, mainly because I was worried about the car again.

I now have 7 patients in total and I am hoping that I don’t have anymore serious issues.  Perhaps that is why the anxiety is out of control this week? It could be the trigger.  I have been doing well for a while, but the car seems to be a trigger for a bad episode that has lasted almost an entire week.  I have 2 antenatal appointments with 2 different women next week, so fingers crossed.

I keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other, to breathe.  It’s just a bad few days, things will get better.  This week it’s been a fight with mental demons who want to see me go to sleep and never wake up.

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Trying to find solutions…

Today is the last lecture for one of my units and then we are having an afternoon tea in celebration.  I have learned a lot in this unit although none of it has really been linear, something that I am still getting used to.  Yesterday I put in an application to get credit for previous studies done of a mandatory unit for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander history.  I haven’t heard anything positive about this particular lecturer at uni, in fact she is incredibly racist from the stories people have told me.  Apparently she doesn’t like midwifery students either, so I am really hoping that I can get the credit and not have to endure this woman.  I don’t normally judge a person that I haven’t met, but when all of the reports from so many different people all come back with the same thing then it is hard not to.  That aside, I really don’t want to sit through another history lesson.

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately and trying to figure out why.  I think maybe a huge part of it has been the marital problems Tim and I have had, but we have been getting along lately and it gives me hope that we will be okay.  I love him so much and I hate that I can’t take his pain away.  I can’t judge him for being closed up about his mental struggles with the army because I react the same way when I am going through something, but I still really wish he would talk to me when he isn’t feeling good.  Sometimes he does, but mostly he keeps it down inside.  I’m not sure what I can really do other than listen to him.

I am trying to come up with a solution to him not sleeping in the bed and I think I have found one.  Ear plugs! I am going to trial them on Friday night and set an alarm on Saturday morning.  That is what I am worried about- not hearing the alarm when I am asleep.  I also need to hear my phone ringing if one of my patients goes into labour in the middle of the night as I am on call for the rest of the year, so I am hoping they will block out the sound of the snore but allow me to hear my phone.  If it works then Tim will be back in the bed with me.  It’s weird not having him there although I do love snuggling up with my little boy.  He takes up less room and we have a little chat about his day before he falls asleep each night.

I better go and do the chores before I get ready for uni.

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Semester 1 almost over

This week has gone by really fast.  On Monday I worked my way through the house after all of the visitors that we had on Sunday, then on Tuesday it was my son’s 8th birthday so he spent the day with me and came with me to my lecture in the afternoon.  That night we went out for dinner at a very over priced restaurant with mediocre food.  Wednesday morning I met my first woman at her pathology test which was to check her blood glucose so we were there for over 2 hours, before going across to uni to get the last 5 hours of a tutorial.  We had a guest speaker in from CALM birth which was really interesting, and then I had to rush to the other side of town to collect my Mum’s dog as she is going away for a week.  I didn’t walk back through the door until 18:45 so my poor kids had a cheats dinner of 2 minute noodles and egg salad sandwiches.  DH didn’t get home until almost 9pm after his gym session and by then I was already in bed.  I hardly get to spend any time with him these days and it is really getting me down.  He leaves the house at 6am for work and then spends 3 hours at the gym each night, and if he isn’t there he is on call in which case I still won’t see him as he doesn’t get in until sometimes almost 10pm.  He works every other weekend and if he isn’t working then he is going for motorbike rides or seeing his friends or back at the gym.  Sometimes I feel like I am holding down the fort by myself but if I try and talk to him about it then it just ends in an argument as he will start to roll his eyes while I’m talking.  DH is changing and I don’t know why.  All I have been able to get out of him is that he is depressed about not being in the army and he needs to be busy or he thinks about it too much.  I am trying my best to understand but I am just feeling lonely.  I am making new friends at uni but it’s not like I can go out because I am the one at home taking care of the kids.  Ugh this turned into a bit of a sad sack story.

I attended my woman’s antenatal appointment this morning which was good.  I could definitely see myself working as a midwife and loving my job, something I found hard to visualise when I was studying nursing.  Graduation seems so far away even though semester 1 of six is over next week.

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Where has the time gone?

I have not written in here in AGES!

To recap: I did 7 clinical pracs for nursing before dropping out.  I hated it.  I hated school and hated the thought of being in a job I was never going to enjoy.  I should explain that nursing people is not what I hated, but the type of nursing was just not where I wanted to be.  I could not get midwifery out of my head.  It was my end goal but seemed so hard to attain.  Then one day last year I thought stuff it and just applied for BMid as an undergraduate.  I had to jump through hoops to submit it.  There were 4 questions they wanted to have mini essays written on.  I needed letters from previous employers to prove my work history.  I needed the blood of my first born…(JK).  I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s and sent in my application with registered nursing as my second choice.  I got knocked back for midwifery and accepted into nursing.  Needless to say my heart sank.  I started to question if this was what I was meant to do all along? It took WEEKS to finally get my head around it and embrace the opportunity.  I was going to be a registered nurse and the upside would be that midwifery would only be 1 year of study as a post grad.  So I accepted my offer.

The week before uni started, I received a phone call asking me if I was still interested in doing a bachelor of midwifery.  My application was good, but it was a first in best dressed scenario for the applications that were accepted, and as many students deferred it now moved several of us up the line.  I was so happy, and immediately withdrew from nursing and the associated units to accept midwifery and get those units asap.  I am now drawing to the end of my first semester and I absolutely love it.  I am where I want to be and am so grateful to be able to do this.  BMid is a highly competitive degree. 70% of people who apply will get knocked back.  We were told that we were the cream of the crop.

I am a full time student and have just been given my first 3 women to start my continuity of care work.  I will do a total of 10 women and attend their antenatal visits, their births and their postnatal visits.  It truly is an honor to have women allow us into these very private moments of their lives and I am so grateful.  Time is going by so fast.  I am keeping on top of the assessment work load (which is INSANE) and attending all of my lectures and I am making some really good friends.  I want to update my journal more often so that I can look back and reflect over my journey.


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Farewell 2014

I can’t believe that it’s almost Christmas and that the end of the year is upon us, and what a year it has been.  Nursing school is OVER for the year thank God.  Term 4 sucked- it was the worst term that we have had to endure yet.  In Acute Care, we would have a 2 hour prac session followed by a 2 hour lecture to learn what we just did in prac because the teacher couldn’t book the labs last.  Teachers wouldn’t reply to emails or phone calls but if you didn’t respond to theirs the same minute that they sent you one, then there were problems.  Our assessments were for things that we hadn’t been taught on or had inadequate time to learn about.  We had to learn about cultural diversity and Aboriginal studies in TWO separate classes, and the latter taught us nothing about nursing care for indigenous people. Instead we learned about Australian history by a white woman who claimed to be Aboriginal and would address us as “fellas”.  It was ridiculous.

Clinicals got tedious.  We are so limited in our scope and it is luck of the draw if someone will teach you something.  I got to draw up Heparin (anticoagulant) which was the highlight of my last CP.  I’m not meant to touch the drugs, but my preceptor let me do that as well as break open the ampoule.  As a nursing student, you take what you can get.  It sure beats personal care and vital signs.  We start meds next year.

I’m in the middle of stage 2 and still have a year and a half to go before I graduate which feels like forever.  I have wanted to quit so many times because of sheer frustration, but never because of the patients.  I have loved working with people and being able to support them during their most vulnerable times, and have heard so many personal stories which I will cherish forever.  There are some truly amazing fighting spirits out there!

Christmas is the week after next and my babies are very excited, as are the hubby and I.  I have outdone myself this year in regards to his gifts and I really hope that he likes what I chose for him.  He has worked incredibly hard this year and although we have had some rough times, we are definitely on the right track and our marriage is stronger and better than ever.  He will be taking 9 days off and we will be spending some of that time down at the coast, he going down first on his motorbike and the kids and I following a couple of days later.  I want him to be able to spend some down time and not having to worry about keeping us entertained.  Besides that, I don’t particularly want to spend too much time with his family.  They are nice, but so damn overbearing.

I look forward to 2015 and what it may bring.  Merry Christmas and happy new year!!

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